Solitude
by AmorEstrellas
Summary: Songfic- Megan Garwin has been in love with Caleb since they were kids, but he always seems to look right through her.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Covenant or any of its characters.**

**A/N: I'M BACK! FOR GOOD! 4 of my new "Seeing Stars" chapters were erased accidentally from my computer... but I will be rewriting them (they had flaws anyway), and posting them VERY VERY soon.**

**Enjoy the songfic/ one-shot for those who have been waiting for so long!**

Solitude (by Evanescence)

_How many times have you told me you love her?_

_As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth._

_How long have I stood here, beside you?_

_I lived through you, you looked through me._

"She's so incredible, really. I love her." Caleb grinned as he sat down on the bed in my dorm, grinning and rubbing his hand down his face. It was a habit he picked up from his father when he was just a child. A habit that I loved and despised at the same time. I loved it because he was so damn cute when he did it, but I hated the action since it made him appear tired and so much older than his 18 years. "Sarah really didn't have to talk to the teacher for me and get that project extended, but she did. Man, she's something else."

My back was turned, so as he spoke I made faces mouthing, 'Oh Sarah! You're so wonderful. I love you more than my life. Yeah, FUCK YOU!' as he went on and on about his new girlfriend. She was the bane of my existence, the very reason for why the one person, that I loved and cared for more than anything else on this god forsaken planet, couldn't be mine. Hi. I'm Megan Garwin and I'm in love with my best friend Caleb Danvers. There, I said it.

"Mhmmm. Yeah. She's... uh... cool." I interjected bitterly. He never even noticed, he just went right back into his "Sarah this" and "Sarah that" as I continued to hunt through my dorm room for my car keys since the rest of the group stranded Caleb and myself here at Spenser's. He sounded like a broken record every time he talked about her, and it cut me deep. Because when he says he loves her, I just want to scream, "I love you! I'M the one you should be with!" And I can't. Because he'll never feel the same way.

"I love her." _I love you._ "I mean I really do." _Always have, since we were kids_. "Maybe one day we'll get married or something. That'd be crazy." His head snapped back into reality as I slammed shut the drawer of my night stand a little too forcefully. "You okay? You seem a bit tense." _No! I am not okay! I want you. I need you. I love you, Caleb._

I cleared my throat and lied, as always. "Yeah. Just fine. Kinda frustrated that I can't find my damn keys again." I began to wonder if my idiot brother took them. Stupid Reid.

"Ah. Well I'll help. They can't be far." He smiled that boyish grin and my heart broke for what seemed like the hundredth time this week. He always seems to look right through me...

_Oooh solitude, still with me is only you,_

_Oooh solitude, I can't stay away from you._

_How many times have I done this to myself?_

_How long will it take before I see?_

_When will this hole in my heart be mended?_

_Who now is left alone, but me?_

How many times had I done this? Sat alone with him, listening to music in my car, wondering what he was thinking about, was he thinking of me or _her_? This was one of those evenings where I was glad I didn't have The Power for once. It would be far too tempting to take a peek into his mind, only to shatter my heart once more when I discovered he was thinking about Sarah again. I didn't want to believe he was, but there was that tiny knot in my gut that tugged at my hopes, I liked to call that knot "Reality". Of course she was on his brain. There was that stupid half smile on his face, and combined with his far away eyes, it equaled his brain off in La La Land.

We pulled into the parking lot of Nicky's and he joked with me about my driving skills as I was getting out. I cracked a signature Garwin smirk at him as I pulled my light blonde hair out of its harness- a.k.a my hair tie- and allowed it to float down my shoulders. I almost thought I saw Caleb staring. Almost.

DAMNIT!

How long would it be before I finally accepted that he was not, nor would he ever be, interested in me? I was only a little sister figure to him, even though we were only a year apart in age. He was purely being nice, perhaps gentlemanly, as he was waiting for me to stop with the beauty show and follow him into Nicky's. That was all. He wasn't staring. He was only waiting. I took a deep, unnoticed breath as I caught up to him and bit my lip, following him in.

The dim lighting of Nicky's mixed with the loud music and smell of alcohol, felt like coming home after a long absence. I nodded to some severely hammered girls I recognized from my Pre-Calc class and followed silently after Caleb to the table where the rest of our friends were. He did his signature handshake with Pogue as I sat down between my smirking older brother and Tyler. I made sure to make plenty of eye contact with everyone who wasn't Caleb, just to make it appear like I wasn't staring at him like a lovesick puppy. It was a practiced art that I had been doing since I was 10 when I realized I loved him. Tonight, I took into account two things as I did this. 1) My friends are hilarious. 2) Everybody had someone tonight, except me. I was all alone. Pogue had Kate, Reid had Tyler (no they aren't gay, in fact, Reid mentioned that he was "dating" some new girl), and Caleb had... Sarah. Pogue's sister Leslie was a no show tonight. I was left out.

_Oooh solitude, forever me and forever you,_

_Oooh solitude, only you, only true._

_Everyone leaves me stranded,_

_Forgotten, abandoned, left behind._

_I can't stay here another night._

I threw off the covers and twisted myself so that my legs hung over the side of my bed. It was dark in my dorm, my roommate still not back yet from her family vacation to Italy. I was even more alone now. I turned on my lamp and gazed at the room. Pictures of my friends and Caleb hung all around my desk. I wondered what he was doing right now since he left with Pogue instead of Sarah tonight. Was that significant? I wasn't sure. Maybe he was laying in bed, looking out the window of his bedroom and thinking, just like me. It wasn't such a far off idea. Nobody really understood why the two of us were always so deep in thought all the time. Nobody understood us the way we could understand each other.

Ugh. I needed to get out of my room.

I couldn't stay here another night, awake and alone, thinking about someone who wasn't even mine. I reached over and opened the window. It was decent weather outside, kinda breezy though. I got up and threw on some jeans, leaving my gray halter in place. I grabbed my key ring and then hurried out of the dorms.

Sticking the key in the ignition of my car, I revved my baby to life. I backed out of the parking lot and then I was gone. The roads of Ipswich flew past me, but I hardly noticed. I just needed to drive and get away. I didn't even register where I was going until it was too late. I pulled up to the field and slowly I brought the car to a halt. I shut off the engine and just sat in the moonlight, surveying the remnants of Putnam Barn. Just a large black rectangle was left of the place the boys, Leslie, and I had spent several summers talking and playing. The place was terribly spooky at night though. It was starting to give me chills. I put the key in the ignition once more, when _he_ caught my eye. A tall figure with a very muscular, athletic build was kicking some of the soot and wood around. I was sure it was a male since I had never seen a woman with that height or build. I wondered how he had gotten out here. I didn't see a mustang. Not Caleb. No bike. Not Pogue. No hummer. Not Reid or Tyler.

That's when it struck me like lightning. Chase.

_Your secret admirer,_

_Who could it be?_

_Oooh can't you see,_

_All along it was me?_

_How can you be so blind, _

_As to see right through me?_

I didn't know what to do. I could turn on my car and drive, but he had so much power before, he could catch me and kill me. Wasn't he supposed to be dead? Why didn't he respond to my car pulling up? Why hasn't he killed me yet?

As though he could read my thoughts, the figure turned towards my car in the shadows. I swallowed hard, a shiver running down my spine. He began walking in the direction of my car. My heartbeat increased almost audibly. I tried to make out his facial features in the dark moonlight, but he wasn't close enough yet. A few more yards and he was sprinting over.

A wave of relief washed over me when I could make out his face, troubled and perplexed. Caleb. Suddenly the area seemed less frightening and it appeared lighter and more welcoming. I opened the driver's side door eagerly now and got out to hug him.

He welcomed my embrace with a small, sad smile. "Hey, Megs." He used my old nickname which gave me butterflies.

"Hey, Cay. You scared me for a bit. I didn't know who you were. I thought maybe... you were Chase." I laughed timidly. I hoped he wouldn't be offended by my identity crisis earlier.

He just laughed that deep, throaty laugh of his. I smiled as I watched him.

"You always expect the worst, don't you?"

"Maybe. This place is pretty spooky at night." I moved away and sat on the hood of my car. He followed and relaxed beside me quite casually. "So... what are you doing out here?" I bit my lip in curiosity.

"I could ask you the same question!" He grinned and nudged me with his shoulder. I playfully swatted him away. "BUT, since you asked first, I was just trying to get away. I needed time to think... Sarah's not what- she's not who I thought she was." He said rather defeated.

"Oh. I'm sorry." I managed. Strangely, I wasn't secretly cheering for him. I was sad too, I guess. If he had been elated or jubilant, I might have been smiling and joking, but he was so... _heartbroken_. It killed me to see it. "How did you come to this conclusion? Yesterday you were so "in love" with her and she was all you talked about." I even used air quotes to make my point to him.

"Yeah, but at Nicky's... I saw her eying up some guys and I knew she didn't really want me. She loves my lifestyle, my reputation, my persona, but not me. I also realized that maybe I didn't love her, just the idea of her, the idea of being somebody's hero. I talked to her about it and we decided it would be best to just stay friends. So... I'm back to square one..." He squinted his dark eyes out at the field, trailing off.

"You'll always be my hero, Cay. You're a good person, she was lucky to have you for as long as she did." I was staring at my hands, but I could still feel his eyes on me. What was I doing? I needed to stop talking. Now. I was giving too much away. "I mean, all these years I've watched your girlfriends and I've sat there and wondered if they knew how lucky they were because they had you. You're special."

"Megan, what are you-?"

I put a finger to his lips. "Shhh. I'm not done yet." I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure if I was ready to do this. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and I was about to jump him with my feelings. Well, now or never. If I didn't say it tonight, I would never find the confidence to. So I looked him right in the eyes and said it. "All along, it's been me. Always by your side, hell we've been friends since we were babies. I don't exactly know how you never saw it after all those years, I always say too much when I'm around you. I always ramble and go on and on. Like now. All those years of looking for someone, and it was like you were blind or maybe I was invisible. You never thought for one moment, maybe _we _could work? Because truth is, I love you, Caleb. And I'm not gonna hide it anymore."

_And oooh solitude, still with me is only you_

_Oooh solitude, I can't stay away from you._

_And oooh solitude, forever me and forever you_

_Oooh solitude, only you, only true_

He turned away for a second and my resolve wavered. Would he leave? Then he turned back with a huge grin on his handsome face. I frowned, confused.

"You love ME?" His eyes never left mine, nor did his smile vanish. I nodded weakly, still confused. "I thought about being with you, hundreds of times. I thought you were unobtainable, like you thought it would ruin our friendship, since that's what you were always saying! I resigned to just having you as a friend, but I've always wanted you, Megs. Since we were kids."

Time froze. I swear to God it did. "... What?"

His smile widened impossibly. "I also had a distinct feeling you and Tyler were into each other. You know, since neither of you date and you hang out a lot." Now it was my turn. I laughed loudly.

"No! Ew, Tyler? Gross. No. Never." I shook my head, clearing any thoughts of being romantic with my almost-blood-brother. Sick.

"Well, if you're unattached, then you should also know... I love you, Megan Garwin. Always have, always will." He winked and I leaned a little closer to him, waiting for the words I'd been longing to hear for the past seventeen years. "And, if I ask, will you be mine?"

"Forever." I sealed the deal with a kiss.


End file.
